Noticing Your Inner Critic: Why self-criticism rarely creates lasting change.
Does this sound familiar? An inner voice telling us we should be doing more, coping better, trying harder or that we really ought to have all this sorted by now?
Sometimes we even believe that voice is useful; that being hard on ourselves keeps us motivated, stops us becoming complacent or pushes us to change. But does it actually work?
When criticism becomes the motivator
Think about the way we sometimes speak to ourselves:
“Why did I do that?” “I should be better at this by now.” “Everyone else seems to manage.” “I just need to pull myself together.”
We can convince ourselves that this kind of thinking will spur us into action. Yet more often, persistent self-criticism leaves us feeling anxious, ashamed, inadequate or defeated.
And when we feel like that, making positive changes can actually become harder.
We might avoid things, procrastinate, seek reassurance, become defensive, give up before we've started, or simply feel exhausted from constantly feeling as though we're not quite good enough.
Where does the inner critic come from?
Our inner critic doesn't usually appear from nowhere; sometimes it develops from experiences growing up, expectations placed upon us, relationships we've had, comparisons with others, or times when being hard on ourselves genuinely seemed to help us cope.
For some people, self-criticism can even feel protective;
"If I notice my mistakes first, perhaps nobody else can hurt me with them"
"If I expect more of myself, perhaps I won't fail"
"If I keep pushing, perhaps I'll finally feel good enough"
The problem is that a strategy which may once have helped us can become exhausting when we're still using it years later.
Compassion isn't letting yourself off the hook
This is often where people misunderstand self-compassion. Being kinder to yourself doesn't mean ignoring mistakes, avoiding responsibility or telling yourself everything you do is wonderful. It means being able to acknowledge something honestly without attacking yourself in the process.
So, instead of “I've messed this up again. What's wrong with me?”
we might ask “That didn't go the way I wanted. What was happening for me, and what can I learn from it?”
The situation hasn't been ignored. There is still accountability and an opportunity for change.
But we've created a much safer place from which to make that change.
Something to notice this week
You don't need to suddenly silence your inner critic. Simply start noticing it.
When something goes wrong, you feel overwhelmed, or you haven't lived up to your own expectations, pay attention to the language you use towards yourself.
You might ask:
"Would I speak to somebody I cared about this way?"
"Is what I'm saying actually helping me move forward?"
"What would a fairer, more compassionate response sound like?"
Sometimes lasting change doesn't come from pushing ourselves harder.
It comes from understanding why we respond the way we do, recognising what we need, and learning to work with ourselves rather than constantly against ourselves.
A little bit about counselling
These are the kinds of patterns we can explore through counselling: not simply trying to get rid of the critical voice, but understanding where it came from, what purpose it may have served and whether there might now be a kinder and more helpful way forward.
I offer individual, couples and family counselling in Cardiff and online.
If you'd like to arrange a session, return to counselling, or simply have a chat about whether it might be helpful for you, you're always welcome to get in touch.
📞 Call me on 07805 756 132
📧 Email me at marie@mfcounselling.co.uk
Providing counselling and psychotherapy for individuals and businesses - in Cardiff and online across the UK.
📞 Call me on 07805 756 132
📧 Email me at marie@mfcounselling.co.uk
Providing counselling and psychotherapy for individuals and businesses - in Cardiff and online across the UK.
